A sneak peek inside the new pro-life book God Moments III: True Love Leads To Life (available fall 2012).
~
By Renee
My name is Renee, and I am the oldest of five.
Sadly, I’ve never met the youngest, a little boy (brother number 3) named
Joseph Michael. He died by abortion when I was only 10, although I didn’t find
out until nearly 11 years later. My poor mom had to keep that secret for so
long. I’ve known for just over 6 years, and am really struggling with it. I’ve
come to the point where I realize that a lot of the issues I have, are made
much worse by what I went through regarding the abortion. While I have always
been more of an internalizer, this is becoming harder, and I am starting to
seek out healing. Easier said than done, I am discovering, as most post
abortion support groups only have programs for the parents.
It is sincerely my prayer that more
awareness will be brought to the suffering of the siblings. My siblings and I
have had to silently deal with the pain of hearing people speak ill of women
choosing an abortion. We know firsthand that sometimes it is done in a
desperate time, and to spare the baby from a life of suffering.
My mom was widowed in June of ’94, at the
age of 30. I was 10, and the youngest at the time
(baby
number 4) was only two. A few months later, she met a man and became pregnant
unexpectedly.
I know very little about that time for her, as I was very young, and had no
idea that
my
little brother was growing in her belly. But we were living with my
grandparents, and I don’t
know
how they would’ve handled the news. Also, maybe my mom didn’t feel capable of
caring
for
yet another baby, who the doctor said may have health issues (from what I
believe). While
she
knew it was wrong, she believed that the baby would be better off in heaven,
free
from
suffering.
While I hate that my mom (and brother)
went through that, I admire her greatly for all the
strength
she has shown. She now understands what some of these women are going through
when
they consider abortion, and has used her experiences to help them choose life.
She also has
used
the pain she feels over my brother to help those mourning the loss of their own
babies,
aborted
or miscarried.
I pray for the strength to one day be able
to reach out to other siblings like myself. I have
actually
tried to avoid the pro-life movement at times, mostly for two reasons: one, it
makes me
think
more of my brother and the horrible way he died, and two, I am very defensive
of my
mom
and am afraid that some of these people will judge her harshly. I also don’t
want her to
have
to deal with any extra sadness or regrets. But as I said before, she is a very
strong woman.
I have heard it said by quite a few people
that my mom should keep the abortion secret. What
about
her reputation? In their view, it will make others decide to follow her and do
the same. Or
turn
against her, and stop trusting and/or respecting her. Well, I can speak for
myself, my
siblings
and at least one very dear friend, that the exact opposite is true!! I hate
that she had to
bear
that by herself for so long, and am so grateful that she told us. It has made
her a more
compassionate,
sympathetic, less judgmental person. It made me listen more when she was
talking
about pro-life things, or praying and showing sympathy for women who have had
abortions,
knowing that she’s actually been in their position. She has come so far. I am
also
thankful
she told us, because although we ended up going through unexpected mourning, we
as
siblings
are now more aware of the horror of abortion. All these years I never knew we
were
personally
touched by it.
As I said, finding out caused such shock
and grief. I remember the night that she told us; we
were
all talking in the living room, because she said she had something important to
discuss. I
remember
my heart started pounding, more and more. We were shocked to discover that she
had
been
pregnant after the fourth baby. Our dad had died, and there were only four of
us children
with
her, so where was the last one? Did I have a sibling given up for adoption,
that I could
possibly
reconnect with (as went through my head at times while watching or reading
about it -
Please
clarify; was this a thought that went
through your mind before you learned about the
abortion,
when you were reading something about adoption?), or did she miscarry? Abortion
never
crossed my mind, because we knew she was so against it.
But she admitted that that is what
happened. I did not give in to the tears that threatened, as I
have
always been very guarded with my emotions. Very quickly the four of us went up
to her,
hugged
her, comforted her, and reassured her that we loved her. We found out a few
things,
such
as the father, and the date of the abortion. Apparently, the anniversary was
only a few
weeks
away. In just a few weeks, on Valentine’s Day to be exact, it would be 11 years
since that
horrible
event.
Apparently she chose that night because
going out then would not likely arouse suspicion.
Years
later it brought me such pain to think that that night before she left, when I
gave her a hug,
I
also hugged my little brother inside, but the next time I hugged her, it was
just her alone. How
sad
she must have been. And how innocent and unaware I was.
That Valentine’s Day after we learned
about my brother was hard, but so refreshing in some
ways.
Between my dad’s death and that day, I noticed that she had made an extra
effort to make
it
a pleasant day for us, AND THOUGHT SHE DID IT TO SOFTEN THE BLOW OF NOT
HAVING
OUR DAD AROUND. WHEN I REALIZED THE PAINFUL SIGNIFICANCE OF
THE
DAY, I STARTED TRYING TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL, PEACEFUL DAY FOR HER.
What stands out the most from that night are
two sweet memories. The first is that mom made
us
a yummy cake for dessert, and on it were six hearts, one big and five small. A
mama
surrounded
by her babies. For the first time ever, mom was able to admit that she was a
mother
of five. She didn’t have to ignore my brother
that night! And we were comfortable with
it too.
The
other sweet memory associated with that night is that we decided to play the
lottery, and
being
aware of a new heavenly intercessor, we asked Joey to pray for us, and we won
$10!! The
most
money we’ve ever won in the lottery! Thanks, Joey! Now multiply that by a small
million
please!
;)
For a while after finding out, I had such
a deep sadness that I could not identify at first. I felt
like
I did when I lost one of my nursing home friends, but nobody had recently died.
What was
up?
Then I realized it was my brother. I was grieving the loss of a little sibling
that up until then
had
not existed (that I was aware of). How strange. How could I possibly feel so
strongly for
someone
I never met, or even knew about? As I mentioned before, I am not an emotional
person,
so
these feelings were extra unappreciated. I felt stupid for grieving 11 years
later. He was long
gone;
I shouldn’t feel anything. But, that’s not how it works. Over time, I felt that
sadness less
frequently,
but still, six years later I feel twinges at times. I have also, at times, felt
completely at
peace
with our situation, and at other times, have seriously forgotten about him.
That, I believe,
is
often a defense mechanism.
Whether I am thinking about him or not, I
noticed that I am more sensitive to some things
than
I was before. For example, I felt pain/jealousy seeing others becoming big
brothers and
sisters.
I experienced that only three times, and never will again. I am also very
sensitive to my
youngest
brother being complimented, etc. by mom, and feeling like he is getting the
bulk of the
attention,
because he is the last “baby” she’ll have. Deep down, I know it is false, but
it is still a
frequent
struggle.
Another struggle is forgiving/moving on.
When I first found out about my brother, I can’t
remember
much about how I felt about his father. As I’ve gotten older, though, I have
felt so
betrayed
by him. We loved him like a stepfather for quite a few years. How dare he try
to take
care
of us, and help raise us, when he didn’t even keep his own flesh and blood alive.
This was
especially
hard for me to come to terms with, because I, too, was conceived out of
wedlock. But
my
dad did the right thing, and married my mom (before I was born). It just feels
strange. Why
was
I okay to keep, but my brother wasn’t? I have made great progress in this area,
but still have
need
of more healing.
This is only a small bit of my experiences
as a sibling of an aborted baby, but I am sharing
this
in the hopes that others can be comforted knowing that they are not alone. Or perhaps
a
sibling
like me will be in denial, and reading my story, they will realize their need
for healing,
and
get it. My prayer is that we can feel at least some of the peace that our
siblings do, as they
await
our arrival in heaven. What a nice meeting that will be, and while we had the
misfortune of
being
separated on earth, we will have all eternity to catch up!
To any parents reading this, please give
your kids the benefit of the doubt, and tell them about
their
lost sibling(s). It may strengthen your relationship as it did ours. You
shouldn’t have to
keep
your baby(ies) a secret. For those who are not directly affected, I thought I
would give you
a
small idea what we are going through, in case you happen to connect with us.
All who read this
will
be in my prayers.
God bless and peace be with you.
~ Renee is relatively new to the Pro-Life
Movement, and hopes to increase awareness of the
pain of surviving siblings, with the hope that more resources become available to them for
healing. For more information, visit: http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Lost-A-Sibling-To-Abortion/557745
