A confession story that reminds us to allow the Lord to lead us by listening for His voice, trusting in Him, and submitting our wills to His.
The following story is shared to highlight the importance of receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation not only for ourselves but also to obtain graces for others. It also serves as a reminder of how important it is that we cooperate with the Lord and work together with our confessors and be tremendous channels of grace for the massive conversion of sinners.
A SUMMONS TO THE CONFESSIONAL AND REQUEST TO “UNLOAD”
It had been two weeks since my last confession when Jesus summoned me to return. He also said very clearly and specifically that while making my next sacramental confession, I was to "unload my burdens.”
Several times Jesus repeated it because He can read my mind (smile): He wanted me to “unload” in the confessional.
How sweet of Jesus to care for us so personally, always knowing what we need. If it was just the two of us, He and I, communicating during prayer, then I would have eagerly endorsed His plan and it would have been accomplished rather easily. But I was hesitant to "unload" during my next confession and with good reason. God's will remained very clear.
I knew I had to do what He requested, and immediately felt sorry for whoever Divine providence had determined the confessor would be. I didn’t want to do it at all if it was to be my regular confessor, not wanting to hurt him. I also knew that the devil had already entered into the arena, another battle was underway, and once the devil had appealed to my emotions I felt very afflicted by the situation.
Certainly, I was being drawn into a mystery.
Every time each one of us makes a sacramental confession, we go because we have responded to the Lord’s invitation to participate in a great mystery of God’s unfathomable love and mercy. And what a phenomenal mystery this often misunderstood sacrament is.
DETERMINING WHAT TO SAY WHEN UNLOADING
Having accepted the will of God, I stayed up that night after my three children went to bed until 1:00 a.m. praying, discerning, and writing. I had wanted to go to confession for the past several days before that particular summons but could not think of anything to say; my mind was a complete blank, because the Lord had already determined what day He wanted me to go, what was to happen, and who the confessor would be.
So after praying to Jesus for inspiration before the Devotion to the Holy Face at the kneeler in our home, I typed the following out. While some of what was written are feelings I have had in the past and some are feelings I still have as Divine Justice and the devil wage a battle for souls within my soul, I also very much felt and still feel that what was written was quite harsh. That is because the “unloading” includes generalizing, statements of things as all good or all bad, and that did not accurately represent the way I felt personally at the time.
But that was how the Lord wanted it, so it was printed out and tucked inside
my purse so I would not forget it. I struggled with the situation through the night and all the way to church that morning.
I’m going to leave out the unloading and just state my sins. Or, if the Lord has chosen my regular confessor I will say everything and he will understand. But then again, this may hurt him. I'll leave most of it out. Things really aren’t that bad. Lord, I am in no shape for this. Is the confessional the appropriate place to do this? Yes; it is after all the Sacrament of Healing. No, it’s really not the place. Not every confessor will understand this. It seems that Father X prefers nice confessions and this one isn't very nice. If he is the confessor, I will leave most of it out. But it would feel good to unload to God in such an intimate setting, especially since He requested it… You are such a tormented soul. (laugh)
And then there was the voice of reason: God has been very clear. You must do what He said.
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Nevertheless, I would have preferred to not include the unloading, and continued to feel bad for my confessor, whoever he would be.
LORD, YOU GET ME INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE
Have you ever said that to the Lord? I did.
I arrived at the church a little early to pray to God in the chapel for strength before confessions began. Not long after, the confessor walked into the chapel, bowed reverently before the Blessed Sacrament, and then went into the confessional.
He is not my regular confessor. He is a Bishop.
When the green light above the door went on, I entered. It was very dark in the confessional and so I had to turn to the left in order to read what had been written. The entire situation was very uncomfortable, but I proceeded against my will with resignation.
WHAT THE LORD HAD ME SAY
“My Lord, My God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
You have protected me for so long, and then left me to my own devices in order to fail and sin against You, as You said, in order to summon me right back here.
So here I am, Lord, holding nothing against You for that, for You order all things for my greater good and I thank You, and know that you are going to do something really wonderful through this.
You have summoned me here for this precious opportunity for Divine intimacy, and I am here because I love You in return and as a sinner, ask for your pardon for all of my faults. Let there be no distance between us, Jesus.
Lord, You have summoned me here and requested that I unload the burdens that I have carried for so long, but that is not so easy. Coming here should be about you, not me. But you love us so much that you want me to unload, and so because this is what you want, I will.
You share the moments of Your Passion with me so intimately, and then the devil lets me have it so severely, two complete opposites, extreme love and extreme hatred hoping for an intimate relationship with my soul, and sometimes I can’t even find myself lost in the battle somewhere, not always knowing where I begin and end, not always knowing whose thoughts are whose.
I almost didn’t come today because I don’t want to unload for the devil, and he has had plenty of horrible suggestions regarding what I should say.
Jesus, I do trust in You, but it causes me a great deal of grief that You do not always defend my honor and sometimes allow me to sin against you. But I cannot complain about that, for as You just showed me, it leads to Your summons to come here and enjoy these precious intimate moments with You and you reward us with so many graces.
You have shown me Yourself so cruelly treated, so catastrophically injured, so rejected, and it hurts me when I hurt You.
I have given myself entirely to You and consented to allow You to accomplish Your will within me, and so I have no right to complain about anything. But You said to unload, so here it is. Because of You, I see things so differently. So often I feel like a dog chasing its tail, and it is always the behavior of other people who lead me to feel this way. As You said, You are keeping me very close to you, and I am so grateful and happy about that, but the thorns are sharp, Lord, and I am not as patient and humble as You. The devil has let me have it though so many people close to me, and I am in no physical condition to handle anything well. Oh so much anguish because of this, Jesus. And so much battering by the devil directly... It seems like so many people are either not listening or resisting Your will for me, and when their complaints are justified that causes me so much more suffering.
So many things are going on at the same time, Lord.. The world places so many meaningless demands on us and it only distracts us from focusing on You and on others.
I don’t always understand what is happening, no one explains anything, and I am bombarded so often with temptations to feel that no one cares, as so many people focus on parties and shows and trips and taking instead of on quiet and prayer and true service in imitation of You and Blessed Mother... the devil is constantly trying to get me to leave... So many of your ambassadors seem unhappy, and it seems like people aren’t even treated kindly on a basic human level. I feel like nothing we do is ever good enough, because we aren’t wealthy and worldly...
It seems like we don’t matter here, we have never felt like we fit in, except when I am alone with You in church, and still no one is properly caring for the Cristeros who are quietly and patiently bleeding out in the pews as they heroically carry humanity on their shoulders. Once in a while there is a homily that may or may not be for their benefit, but that remains speculation.
It is as You said, Lord, that your followers will be like you, with nowhere to lay their heads, and no place to call home. I feel like the people who resemble You most are considered to be worthless, even garbage, even in Your house, and worse than invisible because we become seen when so many want something or can use us in some way, or want us out of their way.
So there it is because You requested it, Lord; I prefer to remain silent but was obedient. Most certainly what I have said has no merit to it whatsoever, and I am willing to continue to do as You wish, no matter the cost... I know that Your plans are good, and that what You are going to accomplish is going to be as helpful for people as You said it is to be. I trust in You, and I need You. Thank You for allowing me to make to Holy Mass so often.
Please forgive me for...
On my own I am absolutely nothing, and so after honoring Your request hope that this means I may appeal to You for whatever it is that I and my family need. But we already have what we need. We have You.”
THINGS GO FROM BAD TO GOOD TO EVEN WORSE
After I was finished, and what a relief that was, I was stunned by what my confessor said. He asked if that was my confession. I held my ground (I'm smiling while writing this although at the time it wasn't funny), and told him that was what the Lord told me to say.
He persisted. “Do you know what you just said?” he asked. Lord, now what. I did what you wanted, and things are getting even worse. I repeated my initial response; I said what God wanted me to say.
Then he asked me yet again if that was my confession. I stated my reply a third time, covering the entire Trinity. I said what the Lord wanted me to say.
WHO CAN BLAME THE GOOD MAN; HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN A WARNING FIRST
My confessor, who by the way is a good and holy man, then told me I was not to read anything and I should have said those things to the Lord outside of the confessional, as there were other people waiting.
There was one, maybe two other people waiting in the chapel, and one of them was waiting for a specific confessor to arrive. I hadn’t taken long at all, I was quick about it, and hadn’t wanted to do it in the first place.
I felt completely rejected and humiliated.
The good Bishop repeated over and over and over that I was to say these things to Jesus outside the confessional and that I had kept other people waiting. But I had done what God requested. Shouldn't we be glad that people are still willing to go to confession, I thought to myself while trying very hard to remain humble. And how can penitents be criticized when we are taught virtually nothing about how to conduct ourselves in the confessional. More thoughts of remaining humble followed. Why? Because I assumed that this was going to be a wonderful exercise in self-mastery, something I had prayed for in the past while making sacramental confessions. But my assumption was incorrect.
I kept my thoughts to myself and replied, “Yes, Father.”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth I thought, Great, now I have not only insulted my confessor but demoted him as well, right here at the foot of Christ's Cross! What is happening?
But the Lord had me call Him “Father.” Why would He do that? Read on.
MORE HEARTACHE
It was so horrible to be on the receiving end of the confessor’s words, especially after what I had just said (unloaded), and while receiving his unpleasant instruction I looked from the image of the Holy Face of Jesus I had brought with me to the Divine Mercy images hanging on the walls.
Oh how I have longed for feedback in the confessional, instruction I felt was so desperately needed, and instead I was getting a reprimand for doing as the Lord had requested.
I didn't like it.
When the Bishop was finished speaking, he instructed me to say the Act of Contrition. I was so glad that it was finally over, but it wasn’t over. I was surprised to find myself crying the moment I began saying it. So much sorrow poured forth from my being as I prayed. It was surreal and so incredibly horrible, feeling so much pain and confusion so deeply.
Although I felt confused, at the same time I understood that God already knew how everything would play out and that He had not had me do that for nothing.
If that event had been orchestrated just for me so I could unload, the experience made me feel even more unloved, rejected, and disrespected. Thoughts of leaving the parish while not having any better place to go repeated in my head. But there had to be more to this. Why would Jesus ask me to unload my sorrows in the confessional only to have my confessor say those things, over and over and over again?
While being absolved of the sins that served as my summons to this important moment of Divine intimacy at the foot of Christ’s Cross, I found myself shaking my head in disbelief. I exerted great effort to restrain my tongue while shaking my head instead, and remained as humble as I could under the circumstances.
God had me say those things, and feel those things, for a reason.
TORRENTS OF SORROW
When the Bishop was finished absolving me, I got up and left so incredibly sad, in tears as the few people sitting in the chapel looked up when I exited, and with surprised and sympathetic expressions studied my face.
If I were them, certainly I would have been at least a little apprehensive to go in after seeing my very sorrowful exit.
Thoughts ran through my head: Perhaps what I said was right, things are that bad, and that experience while kneeling at the foot of Christ’s Cross confirmed it. Didn't he hear a thing Jesus had me say.
I cried through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, through Benediction, and during a short time praying with Jesus before leaving the church.
A SECOND PUPIL
My son Andre had fallen asleep in the car after we arrived at the church (early), and woke up and came into the church just after Holy Mass had begun. It is very rare for us to sit together because he serves as an altar boy, but the Lord had him there next to me during that particular lesson. He, too studied my sorrowful face.
I felt the supernatural effects of that experience throughout the day, very intensely in the morning and then it tapered off through the afternoon. I felt such intense sorrow at the church, and after that terrible feelings of unresolved anger, hurt, and disappointment.
That perplexed me. I had to explain to my children what happened so they would not worry, because I also didn’t feel well physically and they were worried to see me in such a state. I reminded them that without a doubt God’s will was being accomplished, even though we could not understand it and even though I felt so hurt and so angry. I knew for sure that God was working through us, and we were to trust in Him.
The Lord had many people be very kind and compassionate to me through the afternoon and evening, and He was loving me so carefully in that way. I suffered quite a lot physically through the afternoon and passed out for a while on the sofa.
A REVELATION THE NEXT MORNING
The next morning, the Lord explained what had actually taken place the day before in the confessional.
SACRAMENTAL CONFESSION THROUGH THREE AND FOR MANY
The Lord said that our Shepherd has come in search of His beloved sheep whose faith had been targeted for execution by the devil. Our adversary had orchestrated that these people be harmed by others he (the devil) had incited within their parishes so the victims would run for their lives and as a result, run from the very Sacraments they needed to help them survive, heal, become stronger, and strengthen the Church.
Our Lord said that He experienced the sorrow of each one of these victimized and injured souls during His Passion and Crucifixion. Can you just imagine His collective sorrow. If His heart had not been opened by the lance, surely It would have exploded instead to release in torrents all the graces humanity would need.
Jesus loves us that much, and our need for healing only the Divine Physician can provide is so great.
TORRENTS OF GRACE
When I made that sacramental confession, the Lord had me kneel in place of all those rejected and injured souls and unload in the confessional for them. That’s why the language was so generalized, why my sorrow was so great, why my heart felt so broken.
The Lord works through willing souls to bestow graces upon humanity, in this case upon those through all time who were hurt by people within the Church and left the sacraments, people whose hearts remain injured and have separated themselves from the graces that they need.
During the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass the next day, I held all those souls carefully in my hand.
I subsequently wrote out the story and sent it to my regular confessor, thanking him and also the Bishop the Lord had used as a powerful channel of grace, for the healing of so many souls who no longer go to confession and to lead them back to the Sacrament of Divine Intimacy.
God is so in love with us all! + + +
Discover or rediscover the Sacrament of Christ's Peace. Don't stay away from the confessional and if you have been injured by others within Christ's Church, please return. God is so in love with you!
And don't ever forget that you, Jesus, and your confessor are a team. Go, Team!! + + +
For more PROFOUNDLY Catholic information on making your Sacramental Confessions incredibly meaningful, deeply personal, and tremendously powerful, visit Joseph Karl Publishing's page The Sacrament of Reconciliation , which was created just for you!
"Trust all things to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and to Mary, Help of Christians, and you will see what miracles are." ~ Saint John Bosco
© Joseph Karl Publishing/Michele Bondi Bottesi
